As I find myself undergoing major changes, both internally and externally, I have been reflecting deeply on the process of personal transformation.
Observing my own life, I see a major cycle closing, and another one beginning. With this, I am realizing more and more the importance of honoring the old, in order to fully embrace the new.
For me, this means setting aside the time to create a sacred space to acknowledge the growth, and the significance of the various relationships and experiences in the cycle that is ending. Acknowledging deeply, that those moments will never come again, and in them – there is a sacredness in the unique gift that each and every experience had to offer.
And by honoring and acknowledging the value of the previous cycle, I become more rooted in the present, and I become more open to embrace what is to come.
And of course, there is a grief that comes with letting go. Because to feel the depth of how sculpted we were by our previous experiences – we realize how significant they truly were. And there is a pain in recognizing that those moments will never come again.
But that pain only reveals the depth of how willing we were to love, and it is that love that molds us into the person that we were always destined to become.
And with this comes the question – how do we face death?
Whether it be the physical death of a loved one, or the death of a cycle in life… Or even in facing our own mortality.
How do we navigate these mysterious points of transition?
For me, I want to face death with honor.
Honor of all that came before, and of all that lies ahead. Honoring that things will no longer be the same. And honoring the unknown, with respect to the larger process that I may not fully understand.
Recently, part of how I have been holding space for myself and honoring the changes, is making art.
As I have been reflecting on cycles of my healing, I wanted to create a piece that honors the various stages of my growth.
With that, I found it cathartic to create this particular piece, honoring the 3 primary stages of my healing:
I. Disassociation
II. Integration
III. Individuation
Each circle represents a different stage in my relationship with myself, of my inner process and growth.
I. Disassociation
The circle at the bottom depicts the stage of “Disassociation”. This is the point in my life where my psyche was heavily split and fractured. Where I was running away from myself. Where my traumas dictated my behaviors and perceptions. My woundedness was seen as a wretched demon that I sought to escape from – that I felt powerless to. I lacked the tools and resources to confront my own pain, so I projected it onto others and got lost in my addictions.
In this depiction, the two aspects of myself are facing in the opposite direction. They are depicted running away from each other – indicating an inner schism. Yet, between them, there is a golden being dawning a halo. This represents my Higher Self, the Christed Self, that has remained with me through every aspect of my journey.
Though the self is split at this stage, there is a Higher Aspect of ourselves that oversees our process. It watches with a compassionate understanding of a Higher Order, honoring this as the first level of maturation in spiritual alchemy.
And even in those cycles when we are split – the truth is, we were still in Paradise, we just don’t have the vision to perceive it…
II. Integration
The second circle represents “Integration”. This was the stage in my journey where I began to face myself. Rather than running away from my pain, my trauma, I began to look towards it with greater openness and curiosity. Instead of my woundedness being a demon that I sought to escape from, I began to embrace it as teacher. Instead of being a victim to my suffering, I became an apprentice to it, and it became a valuable source of self-knowledge.
In this depiction, we see the two aspects of myself now facing each other. They both dawn golden halos, symbolizing the growing awareness of their union with one another. They are depicted nurturing a tree together, symbolizing the seed of hope, as one day this tree will bear fruit.
III. Individuation
The top circle represents “individuation”. This is the stage where I have gleaned enough wisdom and insight from the previous one, to start serving others from a genuinely empowered place. This is where I have been schooled by my pain and shadow enough, to have knowledge to apply towards service. This is the stage where my pain has been transmuted into wisdom. My weakness into strength. My confusion into clarity. My fear into courage. And my grievances into love.
I am no longer a victim of my pain. I am now empowered by it.
Rather than two separate beings, we see one whole, unified self. This self is golden, and dawns the same halo of the “Higher Self” from the first circle. This is symbolic of the embodiment of the Higher Self.
Rather than being unconsciously guided by a Higher organizing wisdom, we become fully conscious of this Higher wisdom, and we operate our lives from it.
The outstretched arms symbolize empowerment, and the branches symbolize the being’s connection to all of Creation. The budding green leaves symbolize new life and vitality – rebirth. This being now “embodies” the tree that was nurtured in the previous cycle.
The Sun shinning in the background of all three circles represents the light of perfect love, of Paradise, of Home, that is present through every stage of growth.
No matter what we go through, we never leave God. It is only in our own perceptions that we think we have left.
Even in our faults, our missteps, our cycles of running away from ourselves – it is all part of a Higher Order. A Higher Perfection.
This is because we live in a realm of Alchemy. And it is the alchemical process itself that is perfect, not the finality of it.
May we learn to see ourselves through the lens of this Higher Order, that we may hold every step of our journey in reverence, honor, and love.
And may be transition from one cycle into the next with honor, respect, acknowledgement, and love.
Dear Michael,
Your writing spoke to me first in a comment you made on a FB site. It was this piece here, so I came to find out more. I have been refreshed by the discovery. I am so very glad you are here and that I found you. Thank you for being born.
I am an old woman now with several children and grandchildren. Finding an Individual like you gives me hope. Mine is/was floundering a bit after recent events in my family.
Like and unlike you, It has taken me a lifetime to gather some of our knowing and still there is more mystery unveiling itself as I grow.
I am humbled and honored and blessed to have found this glimpse into your world.
Have you thought of publishing your paintings & writings together in book form? The thought of a book to hold and look at and share with others seems like an idea that may have already come to you, but in case you needed it reaffirmed, I mention it for these reasons. Your paintings are lovely and touch the senses and are a feast for the eyes and the heart (even on a small phone screen); yet I have no wall space to place one on, nor could I decide on just one, even if i could I afford to buy one. And I have no need to bring more anything inside my home.
“Stuff” is the nemesis of an old woman, but I wanted to share with you how much I truly appreciate your art & your poetry and your writing. The paintings can definitely stand alone, but your words add another layer and evoke the same joy and add clarity and another layer of thought and beauty to your art work. Your words speak of a universal experience that resonates as “you are not alone” on so many levels. Initially it was your expressed vulnerability that brought me here.
Art is often like showing our underbelly to one another. Both a surrender and an act of trust when both are needed as way-showers. Thank you. Aside from expressing my gratitude I wanted to share this thought with you.
Here it is: Have you considered combining your art work and writing into a book?
Books still come in through my door, more often than they exit. Books still get read to not only myelf, but to my grandchildren. Books still get gifted to others as some as the best possible gifts on the planet. I love the feel and the smell and the music contained within and the wonderful satisfaction of seeing myself in print. This sentence makes me chuckle. It came out unbidden as I didn’t know I’d be talking about myself.
One of the things that happens when I get older is that my filter seems to be faltering which is kind of pleasant, always surprising, and/or occasionally embarrassing.
I am laughing here because the joke is that recently a piece of mine was accepted in a small, local literary magazine and even though I was included in the table of contents and my bio was present (and my name is even on the back cover) The page where my poem is supposed to be is blank. Page 165 is totally empty. I laughed so hard. “Oh, coyote, what a trickster you are!”
I purchased copies to give away. The poem was a memorial to a friend. It is/was just like this friend to consider the blank page a great joke. Maybe we do have The Last Laugh In The End.
Sending fond regards from a new friend and admirer. Sincerely, Pattra