One of the biggest struggles of my life has been self-acceptance.
As a child, I grew up feeling completely unworthy of acceptance, and in this, I was conditioned to base all of my decisions off of getting approval from others. All of my precious life-force energy went to everyone but myself, and I became what felt like a slave to those whom I considered to be my closest connections. This led me into many emotionally abusive dynamics. I felt this unbearable fear of sticking up for myself, communicating my own needs and desires, and for just being “natural”. I would constantly be scanning and reading other people, so that I could mold myself in accord to their energy, and what they needed in order to be comforted and soothed. A lot of people enjoyed my company for this, and I became the confidant for many, as I naturally had a very soothing and receptive presence. Yet despite how close and intimate people felt in my presence, I still felt completely isolated and alone. I felt completely locked away inside myself, and I didn’t understand how I could feel so alone, when so many people felt so close to me. Even in my closest connections, I felt totally unseen. And none of this was the fault of anyone with whom I was connected, for it was my own fear to actually reveal who I was. If people knew who I was, then they would see that I wasn’t the person that was specifically molded to sooth them. I was someone else. And I feared that if they saw my truth, that I would be rejected, and be further isolated. I spent years in these painful dynamics, not able to clearly recognize what I was doing, and why I continually struggled with a deep sense of isolation and feelings of depression. This led me into many self destructive habits, as a way of coping with my feelings of suppression and loneliness.
And this is just how I thought love and connection worked. You sacrifice yourself for the sake of making others happy. That was my definition of love, as I understood it. So, if I was being so “loving” to people, then why was I in so much emotional pain? Why was I developing addictive behaviors? Why was I being manipulated and emotionally abused by others? Why was I always in poverty? And why had I been contemplating suicide? Is this just how “love” works? Something wasn’t right…
This was all due to my own self-rejection. I had mistaken self-rejection for love, for humility. And at the heart of this was a shame-based identity. I believed that at the core of who I was, there was something terribly wrong with me, that if I was to be exposed for who I actually was, that I would be uncovered as a deeply flawed and evil being. The methods that I had developed of coping with my emotional turmoil (my addictions and my self-destructive behavior) were proof of my deeply flawed identity. These habits kept validating the belief that there really was something wrong with me. And because I was wearing a mask, no one knew how much pain I was actually in. Everyone just thought I was “chill”. And no, I was not “chill”. I was struggling with deep inner turmoil, but you’d never know it.
About 2 years ago, I hit a low point. I was living in a tent in the forest by myself in Mount Shasta, California. I went there to go on a physical and emotional cleanse, to have a “spiritual experience”. But I did not experience what I was intending to, for I ended up sinking into a very deep level of depression, and went through episodes of trying to fast and then I would binge eat to the point of getting sick. On top of this, I was processing a pretty big break up with a partner for me at the time as well, and was feeling more alone than I ever had.
Then I just gave up. The only thing I knew to do was to pray. I had tried so hard my whole life: tried so hard to be “good”, to be “spiritual”, to be accepted, to be loved, and I was completely exhausted. No matter how hard I was trying, it wasn’t putting an end to my emotional pain. At this point, I had completely given up on the healing process all together, as I was so fed up with “trying”. So the prayer came to me:
“God, may this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others.”
I didn’t know what else to do, other than to say this prayer. In the midst of my depression, in the midst of my binge eating, in the midst of my isolation, in the midst of my despair I would repeat: “God, may this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others. I don’t know what to do with this, but may it one day be utilized as a source of healing, compassion, and empowerment for other beings.”
Then my life began to shift. It was right after I began saying this prayer, that my path of service began to unfold, and I started delivering my very first public speakings. And what were my first talks about? – The archetype of the wounded healer, and recognizing the connection between our deepest wounds and our greatest gifts. I was speaking right from the heart of where I was at the time. And of course, to move from such a deep level of shame and isolation into the public arena to speak in front of groups was absolutely terrifying, and I had several embarrassing and vulnerable moments delivering my first talks. On one speaking engagement, a man actually came out of the audience to give me a hug in the middle of a talk because I was so nervous to be speaking in front of a group. Despite facing my deepest fears and insecurities, God had given me direction, and I had to follow through. And thus my purpose had become the purifier of my pain.
Now, I’ve had over a year of public speaking under my belt, and I’ve had the blessing of being a regular speaker and presenter at the Mendocino Center for Spiritual Living. What a blessing it has been to hone my craft, my message, the expression of my deepest love. I am beyond grateful for the opportunities that God has given me to share myself with others. The sharing of who I am has been the most healing force that has ever come into my life. In fact, it has literally saved my life.
And this story is far from over. This is still just the very begining for me, and I am still very much in a deep healing process. I am realizing more and more on an emotional level that I am not flawed at the core of my being, that there is actually something deeply profound and beautiful where I once thought there to be a mistake. I am learning that I can have connections that are REAL, not dependent upon my capacity to just sooth someone else.
So I extend a deep heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me, loved me for who I am, and who has inspired me. I offer a thank you to everyone who has ever offered me a moment of connection and acceptance. And I offer a thank you to all of you that have loved me and accepted me in the face of my downfalls and struggles. Thank you from the depths of my heart, I love you. You mean more to me than you will ever know.
I share just a piece of my story, knowing that it reflects something within you also – your own process of self acceptance, of blossoming, of overcoming your struggles, of understanding what it means to truly love yourself, and thus another.
You are never alone in your your pain. Every struggle you face will be transmuted into medicine for others, for your deepest wounds are connected to your greatest gifts. May you always have compassion for yourself, that you may also have compassion for others. You are loved beyond comprehension.
So, I leave you with the prayer that changed my life:
“May this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others.”
God bless <3