Externally, I look out upon the vast expanse of desert.
Snow covers the oceans of sagebrush, and grey clouds gently cradle the mountains rolling in the distance. The ambience of the land embodies the spirit of my contemplations, making me feel as if I am nested in the landscape of my own psyche.
And internally – I look towards God, as I face the unknown.
“What is becoming of me?”
I ask myself this often lately. I can feel myself becoming something unrecognizable from the person I once was. And I often go through bouts of having no idea what to do with myself. Or I find myself having moments where I am uncertain of how to respond to new trials and tribulations as they arise. At times, it can feel a little over my head, as I realize that I have reached my capacity of what I am actually capable of taking action on.
But I am grateful for these moments. I am grateful for them, because there is an intelligence that operates behind them. And this intelligence is guiding me, in its own mysterious way:
To give everything back to God.
I spend most of my time alone. With my art. With my writing. And in prayer.
In fact, my aloneness is saturated in prayer. And from the depths of prayer, my inner world is illumined with the warmth of a radiant and profound love. And I feel full. I feel whole. And in that moment of prayer – even if it is literally just for a moment – every hunger and thirst is satisfied, and I feel myself coming home to something that my mind will never understand.
And this is the great gift of uncertainty.
It calls me back to the source of my strength, my wisdom, and my knowing. It calls me to return, with greater humility and conviction.
“God, I give everything back to you. Take every part of me, and everything that I am going through – I return it all back you. Take it, and transmute it into medicine for the healing of others.
In the face of my hardships and confusions, I will hold steadfast in my intention to praise you, to love you, and to be an instrument in your arms.
Nothing will ever take you away from me, nor me from you, because I am joined with you forever.
With this intention, God, guide my way. I am listening.”
And no matter what I may be facing, upon steeping in such a prayer, I feel a passion burning within my heart. And from the silence, I hear the echo of angels singing songs of triumphant praise, even as I stand in the face of the most extreme adversity.
My confusion, my lack of understanding – it shows me my limitation. And this shows me where I am being called to give myself over to that which created me.
I rest in the hands of something that knows much more than I ever will.
And I bow before it, and keep the lines of communication open between us.
And it shows me.
It always provides a way.
Always.
But I must listen and be humble, in order to hear what is being called of me.
And from this listening, higher perspectives reveal themselves, and I am shown things through a fresh pair of eyes. My vision and my understanding are cleansed and renewed – they are baptized. But only through my humility, and my openness towards that which knows much more than I do.
So, I find myself returning, time and time again, to this central intention:
To give everything back to God.
And from this intention, there is a direct response. There is a very deep and real level of communication. And I am guided.
And as I allow myself to be guided, I am transfixed. I am transformed. And I am become something new. I become unrecognizable from the person that I once was.
So God, I give thanks for every single adversity that I have ever faced – because it only served to bring me closer to you. And through this process, through this alchemy, I am transfigured.
I am made anew.
So, thank you for my hardships.
Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my confusion.
Thank you for my doubt.
Thank you for my challenges.
Because it all serves one primary function:
To return me back to you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you, God.
Forever.