Here I am, once again in this cabin. 1am. Surrounded by towering Redwoods in the misty stillness of a budding Spring night. As I reflect on the presence of the moment, I feel deep gratitude to be alone. To be with just myself. To have deep conversations with myself, to sensitize myself to my inner workings, and to allow my deeper feelings to arise.
I love studying myself. I love observing the relationship between my thoughts and feelings. I love getting flashes of insight, and finding creative ways to birth them in the outer world. I learn of myself through what I create. I learn of God through what I create. In fact, the most I have ever learned of the Divine – is through the process of giving life to that which lives within me.
Lately I have been coming into this deepening insight into the nature of knowledge. When I was younger, I used to think that I had to study a lot to “know” things, and that my “knowing” was dependent on my ability to remember things in books or from teachers. This perspective has been rapidly shifting lately. I suppose this has been a byproduct of a deepening into my own sense of knowing. I can feel something bubbling up from the deep watery recesses of my unconscious to meet the light of my conscious mind. This new insight is the side effect of some sort of merging within myself.
I have been realizing that my feelings and emotions are gateways into deeper avenues of knowledge. Every emotion is like a code, and each emotion contains an entire universe of information. In one instant, I can feel an emotional wave sweep through my being, resounding within every cell of my body. In one moment, I can feel every cell respond to the emotion, through either a contraction or an expansion. And within half a second, my entire body can be filled with knowledge on any given subject. And the knowledge is always important, meaningful and relevant. And it is always right to the point. I am realizing that real knowledge comes through a feeling sense. Not from an intellectual head space, like so many of us have been taught.
As we open ourselves to our emotions, we open ourselves up to deep knowledge. To Self knowledge.
It is the ancient knowledge found within the great mystery of nature, revealing itself through us.
As I type this, a memory from my childhood is coming to me. This memory actually comes to me quite often, but it is coming in now, so I trust that there’s something deeper here for me to look at.
In school, I always had trouble “learning.” I always felt like I was a little slower than the children around me, as I noticed in my classes I always needed extra help. I was usually one of the last students for concepts to “click.” Also, I remember always feeling like my work in school was mediocre compared to the other students, and I had a hard time understanding how my classmates caught on to things so fast. I remember always having a sense of just “skating by” in my classes. Since I was generally a really well behaved kid, the teachers usually found a way to pass me, despite my often horrid grades.
When I was 12 years old, I remember one day at school standing in line, waiting to enter the cafeteria for lunch, thinking about how much trouble I had retaining information in class, and how exhausting it felt trying to learn in school. I began to wonder if I had some sort of learning disability. I was even considering the thought that my brain wasn’t fully developed. I found myself feeling frustrated. I felt like something was wrong with me.
As I began having these thoughts, a voice came into my head, a voice distinct from my own cycling thoughts. This voice said:
“There is a reason why you are the way you are. You have strength in a different type of knowledge. Your strength is not information of the mind, but rather a knowledge of the heart. You are the way you are for a very specific reason. There is much to discover as you grow.”
I didn’t know what on earth this meant, but it brought me ease in the moment. I remember the feeling of relief as this voice washed over me that day outside the middle school cafeteria.
I reflect on this now, being where I am in my life, doing what I am doing, and having this insight bubble up. This insight that I am learning to embody. I never cease to be amazed at the miracle of this whole process, and precision of how my past, present, and future all intersect. Where these points of meaning connect within time, something timeless reveals itself. I swear, I feel like this world is some fragile makeshift hut that is apt to get blown down by slightest breeze… and once the walls come down, we will be bathed by the light of the glorious blaze of the burning sun.
And in some moments it all feels so planned. It is barely even a secret anymore…