Category: Personal blog

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We each have an umbilical cord, a line of communication, that connects our consciousness directly to Source (God).

We each have an umbilical cord, a line of communication, that connects our consciousness directly to Source (God).

The information streaming to us from this “umbilical cord” is what we experience as intuition. 

This communication link between ourselves and Source, is the most valuable tool that we have, and we have been conditioned for thousands of years to neglect this profound and integral aspect of ourselves. 

This is because if we were to understand the power that we have access to through our intuition, then every false authority of this world would crumble before our feet.

In this next chapter of humanity’s maturation, demystifying intuition and understanding it as an actual organic “technology” of consciousness is going to completely change the way that we understand ourselves as a species. 

I see this rediscovery of what intuition actually is, as being as revolutionary as the discovery of electricity, or the development of the internet, sparking major and profound changes in the way that we understand ourselves and how we function collectively. 

I also see this upsurge in intuitive understanding as being an important and necessary counter-movement, or response, to the dangers of A.I. and technological over-dependence. 

Imagine for a moment, that there is an aspect of your mind that has the answer to every single question, worry, concern and confusion that you have about your life. And that this aspect of your mind knows the perfect way to solve every problem, and that knows exactly what is in your highest good, and how to align you with this highest good in the most inspiring, healing, and effortless way. 

And none of this information is coming from any technologies or authorities outside of you. It is coming from within you, from your innate intuitive connection with Source.

Think about this for a moment… if you have an umbilical cord connecting you directly to Source (God), then it is obvious that there is a part of you that has access to all of this incredibly useful information. 

Now, realistically, it does take purification, along with a process of initiation, to clearly interpret the information streaming in from this umbilical cord. But, nonetheless, the access points to this information are completely there and well within each of our reach. It’s just a matter of learning ourselves well enough to access this dimension of our being. 

And when I speak of “purification”, I am speaking about a willingness to give up our own personal “egoic” judgments about who we think we are, and what we think we want (rooted in trauma, addiction, and conditioning), and giving those judgements over to the part of ourselves that truly knows what is in our highest good, as well as the highest good for all. 

This purification process is often extremely humbling for most people, not because it is difficult, but because it can be perceived as personally insulting to the conditioned identity structure.

But the profound and useful information that one has access to through cleansing this umbilical cord is well worth the process. 

Now, when I speak of Source (God), what I am actually speaking about is a shared Higher Universal Mind. It is the intelligence behind nature, behind the cosmic rhythms and pulses, and behind the mysterious orchestration that is organizing the experiences of our lives. 

It is the intelligence behind the blossoming of every flower, the sprout of every seed, the rising and setting of the sun, and every miracle of Creation.

When we penetrate the layers of our consciousness, and we go deep into the watery oceanic depths of the unconscious, then we access this Great Universal Mind with its incredible wellspring of intelligence, wisdom, understanding, and love. We access the intelligence of nature, of Light, itself.

And so this umbilical cord connects us directly to this shared Universal Mind, and it informs us on how to live harmoniously with the whole of existence – with nature, with the Earth, with the cosmos, and with ourselves. 

So intuition, when purified, is an internal guidance mechanism that instructs us on how to properly live in alignment with the whole of existence. 

This is why it has the answer to literally every problem that we face, both personally and collectively. 

And our healing as a species, will come from our rediscovery of this incredible connection and resource that is innate within each and every single one of us – our intuition, and our connection to God.

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There is rhyme and reason behind everything that we go through.

A father unexpectedly loses the job that he’s had for years while trying to support his family. Terrified, with his wife and children to care for, he is forced into the unknown. 

A mother loses her child in a tragic and unexpected accident, and must grieve the loss of a life not fully lived, filled with confusion as to why her baby was taken from her.

Life has the potential to shock us with the unexpected, leaving us in the wake of utter confusion and disarray. We riddle our minds with why certain things happen, and why life seems to be at odds with us. 

Our understanding fails us in these moments. 

We face the fragility of our expectations, and of the way we think things are supposed to happen. 

What we usually cannot see when we are facing devastation, is that there is a deeper intention underlying the disarray of our experience. The circumstances, relationships, and happenings in our life are orchestrated in such a way to serve one primary purpose:

To break our hearts wide open.

This is so that we may know the power a love that is free of conditions, and that we may overflow with a relentless compassion that is destined to quench the thirst of every heart. 

So that we may cultivate a depth of empathy that is God-like. 

This doesn’t mean that it is easy, it makes sense, or must feel good – in fact, it usually doesn’t. But it is only through being entrenched in the depth of human experience, where we become broken open to the strength, compassion, and unconditionality of Divine Love.

These moments of devastation and confusion are part of a higher design. They are part of a code, of a universal patterning to help us evolve – to liberate Spirit from matter. 

There is rhyme and reason behind everything that we go through. 

The intelligence of life is never trying to disempower us into victimhood, but rather life is sculpting us, molding us, and gracing us with wisdom so that we may become the incredible masterwork that we were always destined to become.

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Only God is Real.

“Only God is Real”

This statement has been echoing within me like an epic chorus woven throughout a melodious triumphant anthem. There’s been a voice within me, challenging me to bring my every fear, concern, guilt, pain, doubt and confusion to the altar of this statement. 

It tells me that beneath every fear that arises within my mind, there is a belief that there is something other than God present. And in this belief that there is something “other” than God, is a part of my mind that is trying to invest energy into something that is not actually there, in an attempt to validate a part of itself that doesn’t actually exist. 

And to be completely honest with you, I don’t fully understand it. But I recognize that I am not meant to fully understand, because miracles are the very thing that crumble the feeble walls of our limited understanding. Our understanding is wired for this world, yet miracles open us to the Reality beyond it. 

“Only God is Real” 

How can I say such a statement, when humanity is on the brink of nuclear war, when there is unprecedented death and disease, where our global economies are collapsing, when we are more polarized and divided than we’ve ever been, and when it seems as if we moving into an authoritarian regime governed by artificial intelligence? 

This statement seems bypassing, avoidant, disrespectful and blasphemous in the face of a bleeding and suffering humanity!

“Only God is Real”  

What if the suffering that we’re experiencing is our subconscious attempt to create a false world in order to validate a false self that doesn’t even exist? 

We can create an experience for ourselves, even if there is no reality to the experience itself. 

For example, a child can create a fearful experience of monsters living under their bed conspiring to devour them, even when there are no monsters actually there. The child will become frantic, and terror will completely envelope their mind and body, and they will gather all of their toy weapons to fight off the horrendous monsters that aren’t there. The child will create an entire reality within their mind, with hellish scenes replaying over and over, completely removed from the actual Reality that is present. 

“Only God is Real” 

What about bodies that are sick and dying? How could I say such a statement in the face of such literal death? 

There is a Reality that existed far before your birth, and that will continue to exist far beyond your death. Do you really think this little moment of time in a body, this blink of eye, has the power to split you off from the enormity of existence that you have forever been a part of? Even the healthiest bodies are destined to crumble and fade at some point, like sandcastles gradually being swept away into the vast expanse of the ocean waters. Bodies, as beautiful and strong as some may be, are temporary makeshift huts that are destined to return to dust from the very moment that they are made. 

So bodies are not so much of a solid thing, as they are an experience. 

And experiences happen in time. 

And what is Real is not bound by time. 

Because what is Real is forever. 

“Only God is Real”

And to be completely honest with you, I still don’t understand. But I recognize that I am not meant to fully understand, because miracles are the very thing that crumble the feeble walls of our limited understanding. 

Our understanding is wired for this world, yet miracles open us to the Reality beyond it.

“Only God is Real”

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The Body’s Eyes Do Not Actually See.

The body’s eyes do not actually see.

And the body’s ears do not actually hear.

Working as a professional intuitive, I will tell you that I see much more into a person with my eyes closed, and my gaze turned inward, than I do fixated on their physical image.

In fact, their physical image is extremely limiting, and can often be distracting and misleading, eclipsing me from sensing into the deeper reality of their soul. When I attune my senses away from the external, and focus upon the internal, I perceive the deeper layers of a person, seeing them much more honestly and authentically, rather than pigeon-holing them into shallow judgements based off of socially-conditioned objectification.

And I will tell you – there is an inner vision that will allow you to perceive much more clearly than your physical eyes ever will.

If you knew how incredibly limiting your physical sight was, compared to the inner vision that you have access to, you would realize how hypnotized we have been as a culture, into seeing one-another through an unbelievably shallow and one-dimensional bandwidth of perception. With my gaze turned inward, I see into the innermost secrets of another’s heart.

I see the silent pain that they carry, and the hidden burdens that remain unexpressed. I see through layers of conditioning and trauma, into the deeper patterning and motivations underlying their choices. I see the profound love and inspiration that yearns to overflow from the primordial wellspring of their essence. And I see the purity of an innocence that shines with the radiance of a million suns.

And that innocence is the most beautiful thing that I have ever bore witness to. And it is unlike anything of this world.

These are the inner dimensions of a person that could never be revealed through the body’s eyes alone.

So, it absolutely astonishes me, that we have been so conditioned to perceive each other as such faded and shallow caricatures of what we actually are. Being so fixated on external image, we limit ourselves and each other to what we are not, overly identifying with the shallow biological “needs” of the body. And with this, we overlook and ignore the more authentic reality of the soul.

And then we build relationships upon these shallow and limited perceptions of each other.

Prioritizing the body over the soul, the image over the content – the ego over God, we attempt to erect cathedrals out of dust, and then we wonder why our lives feel so unstable, conflicted, shallow and broken. We wonder why our relationships fail time and time again.

We think it’s because we just haven’t found the “right” person yet.

No.

Let me save you some time.

It’s not about finding the “right” person.

It’s about putting priorities in their proper order. It’s about prioritizing the soul over the body, the content over the image, and God over the ego.

The priorities of this world have been completely inverted, which is why this realm is so chaotic. And the inversions have been normalized through conditioning, trauma, media, and addiction.

Do you think you could prioritize anything before God, and truly be at peace?

Once again, the body’s eyes do not actually see. And the body’s ears do not actually hear.

Loosen your grip on the hypnotic trance of the external world, and gently shift your awareness inward, and look upon the shining landscapes of the soul’s reality. Of God’s reality.

And prioritize the beauty of the soul before anything else.

Do this, and watch you, and your life, transform. Because miracles are real. And magic is real.

And it starts with placing value, where true value actually abides.

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Self-Acceptance, Magic, and Miracle-Working

Something that I am realizing more and more – any desire for external approval or acceptance will inevitably let you down. 

Why?

Because it’s higher function is to fail you again and again until you no longer look outside of yourself for approval of who you are.

We live in a world where we mistake external acceptance for love. 

External acceptance is not love, but it’s a hollow shell that we mistake for it. 

“If I am good-looking enough, if I have enough money, if I have the right career, or the right combination of material things, or the right image, then I will finally be lovable.”

And then we achieve those things for a moment, and then the moment passes. And we lose what we worked so hard for, to make us lovable in the eyes of others. 

And then we are met with the devastating blow of loss, initiating us into a form of internal death. But the only part of ourselves that dies is the part of us that denied ourselves for the sake of receiving approval from the world around us. 

And then we are left with ourselves, and with God. 

And maybe if we are blessed, there will be a small handful of those who are with us through all the up’s and down’s, despite how things may change. And these relationships are those holy gems that are valuable beyond worth, stemming from a love beyond this world.  

But ultimately, our true strength rests solely between ourselves and God. 

As a child, I felt like I was met with rejection everywhere I turned – I was bullied and rejected for the way I looked, I was terrible at sports and was always seen as the “runt”, and I was very sensitive and empathic which was perceived as a sign of weakness (especially being a male). 

Realizing I was pretty awkward in my body, I gravitated to music as a teenager to channel my sensitivity, as well as to compensate for the physical deficiencies I felt that I had. And then by my late teens and early twenties, my entire identity was completely wrapped up in my ability as a musician. If I was praised for my musical prowess, then I felt loved and accepted. If I gave a bad performance, then I felt completely and utterly worthless. 

As I got into my early twenties, I struggled with crippling poverty and was always a hairline away from living on the streets. I was opening “psychically” which drove me into a very deep and passionate relationship with painting (I now work as a professional intuitive). This was because art was my primary way of processing the excess information that was overloading my system. I didn’t know how to really give readings at that time, or to use my abilities in a healing capacity, so I just obsessively made art to help me process. 

Though I was passionate, I felt crazy. Because I was so artistically obsessed and psychically overwhelmed, it felt impossible for me to hold a “normal” job. Working 8 hours a day at a cash-register, or some other day job, still barely making enough to survive – it felt insane to me. I would look out at people driving these lavish cars and living in these lavish homes, and was just completely baffled as to how people could maintain their sanity and hold such extravagant lifestyles together. 

So throughout my early twenties, I felt exiled and rejected by a society that I struggled desperately to be a part of. This mirrored and reflected my childhood wounds of rejection and feeling ostracized for being different.  

There was always a streak of creative genius in me that gave me a sense of purpose, and thank God for that. And thank God I never gave up on it.

At some point, in the later half of my twenties, something shifted. And I remember just completely giving up.

I worked so hard to try to “fit-in” so that I could be lovable and prove something of myself to the world. I tried a million different jobs to find the “right one”. I did everything I could to make money so that I could be seen as powerful and worthy in the eyes of others. I altered my image a million times over to try to find the one that would give the most validation and acceptance. 

And no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. 

I tried to measure up to every societal standard in the book.

And I just failed. Time and time again.

And then I realized that maybe this was a game that I was just never meant to win. 

So I turned to God, and I said:

“God, you take me. I have tried my whole life to fit into this world, and I just fail, over and over. I am tired. I am exhausted. And I don’t know what to do. I have finally realized that I will never fit into this world, because I am not of this world. 

I do not belong to this world of conditioned love, where people are praised for shallow amusements and things that will never last. Where the brilliance of one’s soul is traded like a commodity for that which withers and fades like the passing of the seasons. Where people fall in love with hollow images, rather than the passionate fire of truth that burns within another’s heart.

God, I do not belong to this world. I belong to yours.

I belong to a world that shines forever, where my value rests far beyond what can ever be measured. Where my love is not limited to some shallow caricature of how I desire somebody to be, but rather my love unconditionally celebrates the unique spark of another’s essence. Where the expression and loving nurturance of the soul take priority above everything else. 

God I do not belong to the world of conditioned fantasies, I belong to your world of eternal truth.”

And from that moment, everything in my life began to shift. 

It was as if as soon as I started to truly accept myself, reality began to rearrange everything in my life in drastic and significant ways. 

Rather than trying so hard to make things happen, things started to effortlessly and miraculously manifest on their own. I began to see miracle after miracle, and I began to follow a stream of synchronicities that were guiding me towards a path of healing not only myself, but of healing others.

I began to form a loving relationship with a higher intelligence, whose voice spoke to me through the echo-chambers of my reality. My life began to feel more dream-like, more fluid and malleable. 

“Was there always this loving force that sought to guide me? Was this always here? Was the world always this loving? This embracing and supportive of my growth?”

Through this, I have come to realize that there is a deeper reality that calls us to it. It is unconditionally loving. It is highly intelligent. And it wants nothing more than to guide us and support our growth. If you have ever witnessed synchronicities, or miracles in your life, then you have seen glimpses and evidence of the deeper reality that we are forever a part of.

This reality exists beneath the wavelength of our conditioned world. But nonetheless, it is always there. It merely awaits our maturity and readiness to perceive it.

For me, I began to touch this reality more intimately, when I began to accept myself. My True Self. 

This is because I began to see through the eyes of my True Self, which can only see what is truly there. 

Magic is real.

Miracles are real.

And they are far more real than the cloak of fear and comparison that drive the madness of the world we have made for ourselves. 

Because they stem from a deeper reality. 

And the more you trade in the shallow ideas of yourself for what you know to be true about you deep in your heart, the more you begin to see what is always there.

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“The Language of Trees”

New Piece – “The Language of Trees”

32” x 32” (with frame) 

Available

This is a collaborative piece created in honor of the intuitive language that humans share with trees (and the non-human world). 

It is the first of a series of collaborative pieces between myself and my very gifted soul-brother, Nathan Sharples, from www.TempleWorks.Studio.

For the past several months, Nathan and I have been brainstorming pieces that combine his woodworking/stained-glass art, with my paintings. And this piece is one of the results. Nathan created this beautiful frame, made of poplar wood embroidered with purple stained-glass (see the figures in the frame). 

To give you a little backstory on my connection with Nathan – I lived on his family’s land in a cabin that he built in Mendocino before I lived in Taos. 

When I first moved to Mendocino a few years ago, I was magically led to Nathan’s majestic and whimsical little shaman cabin tucked back in the redwoods on his family’s property. It had open windows on all sides, which looked into a lush green kingdom of towering ancient trees. The cabin felt like a cross between something out of the fairy worlds of Middle Earth, and the underworlds of ancient shamanism.  

I nested there for about 3 years, developing my art, writing, and speaking while Nathan lived in Oregon developing his practice as a cranial sacral healer. 

As I would create my art, I would hang my paintings on the walls of his cabin, and it just became more and more apparent how well our artistic styles blended together. 

When Covid hit, Nathan moved back to his family’s land, and we had the opportunity to connect more deeply. Getting the chance to spend more time together, it became clear how well we vibed, both artistically and spiritually. 

Then one day, as I was walking along the ocean in a contemplative state, I got struck with the download of Nathan and I collaborating – I saw beautiful clairvoyant visions of wooden frames with stained-glass in Nathan’s style of woodworking, blended with my paintings.

I excitedly brought the idea to Nathan, and he agreed to do one test frame to see how it turned out. 

Upon creating the first experimental “prototype” of combining our crafts, I put it online and within 3 days it sold for a few grand. So, we took this as the “green light” from Spirit to move forward with the collaboration. 

So, Nathan got a CNC wood working machine, and we’ve been creating our first series of works together. 

I must say, I am beyond excited for this collaboration, and I feel incredibly blessed to be working alongside such a gifted and soulful craftsman.

To speak to another dimension of the piece – it is called “The Language of Trees”, in honor of the deeper intuitive language that humans share with trees.

I feel very passionate about interspecies communication between humans and the non-human world, and I feel a strong calling to use my art to bring greater awareness to this deeper intuitive wavelength of communication. 

From my own personal experience, I have had deeply profound experiences communicating with trees and other plants, which has completely altered my sense of self and reality. 

I know to many, this might sound “out-there” or “woo-woo”, but to ancient indigenous and tribal cultures around the world, this deeper listening and communion was paramount to their survival and knowledge of how to use different plants.

Even today, I have many friends that have taken classes in herbalism. And in these herbal studies, the students are often encouraged to intuitively listen to the plant for receiving knowledge about its medicinal properties, rather than just looking it up in a textbook. The ability to listen with sensitivity and intuition is key. 

I truly believe that the precipice of our collective healing rests on our ability to listen. 

In my opinion, humanity’s greatest mistake is that it assumes that it “knows”. 

When we let go of what we assume we know, then we open ourselves to the mystical and dream-like realms of nature. And in this space, our minds become receptacles for a deeper language, one that exists beyond the layers of conditioning that are fed through trauma and addiction, and we touch an aspect of the true reality that we inhabit. 

I have been an educator of intuitive development for the past several years, and I have a passion for helping others connect with their intuition. And for me, it’s not about teaching people to become “psychic”, or whatever you want to call it. It’s about helping people learn how to listen. 

Because that’s what humanity needs more than anything – to learn how to listen. 

To listen more deeply to others. 

To listen more deeply to the natural world.

To listen more deeply to our own hearts and souls. 

In the painting, you can see two beings praising the tree in the center. These two beings dawn a blue halo around their heads from which a tree is rising. This represents their intuitive connection to the tree, and the “oneness” that they share with the consciousness of the tree.

The colorful branches of the tree represent stained-glass, which symbolize the tree as a cathedral, and a portal of worship and connection to Spirit. 

The golden beings behind the two green central figures represent our guides and angels, and the divine support that assists us in re-establishing our connection to the natural world. 

At the bottom, we see six golden beings giving praise to the sun, honoring the source of light that gives rise to all of life. This simultaneously symbolizes both the physical sun, as well as the inner spiritual sun that illuminates our minds and hearts with Holy vision. 

The symbolism of the piece extends into the frame, with the rows of people composed of stained-glass standing on either side of the wood-carved trees on all four sides. This represents communities of people coming together to build societies around a more conscious connection to nature. 

This piece was created as a symbol, as a reminder, of the deeper reality that we are forever a part of, and in honor of the intuitive language that we share with all of life. 

May we remember how to listen. 

And may we remember how to pray. 

Not just for ourselves, but because this is what the world needs the most. 

I would like to extend my gratitude for getting the opportunity to collaborate with the very talented Nathan Sharples on this project. Nathan is an incredible woodworker, architect, writer, artist, and healer, so please be sure to check out more of Nathan’s work at: 

www.TempleWorks.Studio

Thank you all for being a part of my journey. 

May you each be blessed beyond comprehension. 

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Seeing others as they are.

Lately, I have been making it a practice to see others more deeply, free from my own projections of them.

When I am not blinded by the hypnotic trance of my physical eyes, focused on their bodies or outer appearances, I am able to see them through an inner vision. And ironically, I can see them more clearly.  

Free of judgement. Free of the associations from my conditioning. Free of anything that I desire them to be, in order to meet some shallow and imaginary need of my own. 

As I allow my vision to be reoriented,  I am able see others more as they are.

And in their eyes, I see layers of them. 

The eyes hide nothing. 

In a split second, I see through layers of personality into the depths of the soul.

I see their burdens, and their silent struggles that go unexpressed. I see the insecurities that they try to keep secret from others, and the bravado that they hide behind. I see the persona they present to the world, and I see the parts of themselves that remain shrouded and tucked away. I see the parts of them that they don’t reveal to others, let alone themselves. And in their eyes, I see the battles raging between angels and demons happening within their innermost thoughts. 

And that is just the surface. 

Within the same split second of looking into their eyes, I see an innocence. An innocence so pure and child-like, that it shatters me to my core. It breaks me open to the fragility of life. To the sacredness of every breath. A shocking yet soft reminder that we are only with each other for a moment. So make the moment count. 

And in their innocence, I see the secrets of their soul. I see the treasures buried that they have yet to uncover. Their hidden genius. Their secret sainthood. Their sanctified spark of anointed praise. 

I see something Holy. 

I see something familiar, as if I have known them forever. 

And I sense that we share a Home with each other. A Home not of this world. 

And within the same split second, I see a kingdom of radiant light shining from behind their eyes. I see entire worlds of ephemeral glowing beauty, living deep within them, remaining untouched and pure, in spite of the ideas they hold of themselves. I see their resurrection. Little do they know, that they contain everything they are looking for. 

They are the food from which they will never go hungry. 

They are the waters from which they will never thirst. 

The only mistake they have ever made, was not seeing who they truly were. 

But I see who they are.

I will see them fully, until they see themselves. 

And I will hold my memory of them in the forefront of my awareness, until they are able to remember on their own. 

And it is only in my remembrance of them, where I remember myself. 

How could this be any other way? 

The eyes of another are mirrors into my innermost self. The pain that they carry is something of my own. Their fears and insecurities I have faced as my own greatest hurdles. The loneliness, the confusion, the heartbreak, the disarray – I know all of it. I recognize it in others, because it is familiar. It lives within myself. 

And their innocence, their love, their hidden genius – they are also something of my own. The only reason why I can feel the depth of their love, is because I feel it coursing from within my own heart. How else could I feel it, if it wasn’t already alive in me? 

And their hidden genius is my own brilliance that plays hide and seek. If I honor and nurture it within them, then I cultivate it within myself. I can be the space through which they come out of hiding. 

All within the split second of looking into their eyes.

The eyes hide nothing. 

Because it is the same Self that looks back at us through the eyes of another. 

And if it is the same Self, then how could anything be truly hidden?

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“Stations of The Soul’s Alchemy”

As I find myself undergoing major changes, both internally and externally, I have been reflecting deeply on the process of personal transformation. 

Observing my own life, I see a major cycle closing, and another one beginning. With this, I am realizing more and more the importance of honoring the old, in order to fully embrace the new.

For me, this means setting aside the time to create a sacred space to acknowledge the growth, and the significance of the various relationships and experiences in the cycle that is ending. Acknowledging deeply, that those moments will never come again, and in them – there is a sacredness in the unique gift that each and every experience had to offer. 

And by honoring and acknowledging the value of the previous cycle, I become more rooted in the present, and I become more open to embrace what is to come. 

And of course, there is a grief that comes with letting go. Because to feel the depth of how sculpted we were by our previous experiences – we realize how significant they truly were. And there is a pain in recognizing that those moments will never come again. 

But that pain only reveals the depth of how willing we were to love, and it is that love that molds us into the person that we were always destined to become.

And with this comes the question – how do we face death? 

Whether it be the physical death of a loved one, or the death of a cycle in life… Or even in facing our own mortality.

How do we navigate these mysterious points of transition? 

For me, I want to face death with honor. 

Honor of all that came before, and of all that lies ahead. Honoring that things will no longer be the same. And honoring the unknown, with respect to the larger process that I may not fully understand. 

Recently, part of how I have been holding space for myself and honoring the changes, is making art. 

As I have been reflecting on cycles of my healing, I wanted to create a piece that honors the various stages of my growth.  

With that, I found it cathartic to create this particular piece, honoring the 3 primary stages of my healing:

I. Disassociation

II. Integration

III. Individuation

Each circle represents a different stage in my relationship with myself, of my inner process and growth. 

I. Disassociation

The circle at the bottom depicts the stage of “Disassociation”. This is the point in my life where my psyche was heavily split and fractured. Where I was running away from myself. Where my traumas dictated my behaviors and perceptions. My woundedness was seen as a wretched demon that I sought to escape from – that I felt powerless to. I lacked the tools and resources to confront my own pain, so I projected it onto others and got lost in my addictions. 

In this depiction, the two aspects of myself are facing in the opposite direction. They are depicted running away from each other – indicating an inner schism. Yet, between them, there is a golden being dawning a halo. This represents my Higher Self, the Christed Self, that has remained with me through every aspect of my journey. 

Though the self is split at this stage, there is a Higher Aspect of ourselves that oversees our process. It watches with a compassionate understanding of a Higher Order, honoring this as the first level of maturation in spiritual alchemy. 

And even in those cycles when we are split – the truth is, we were still in Paradise, we just don’t have the vision to perceive it… 

II. Integration

The second circle represents “Integration”. This was the stage in my journey where I began to face myself. Rather than running away from my pain, my trauma, I began to look towards it with greater openness and curiosity. Instead of my woundedness being a demon that I sought to escape from, I began to embrace it as teacher. Instead of being a victim to my suffering, I became an apprentice to it, and it became a valuable source of self-knowledge. 

In this depiction, we see the two aspects of myself now facing each other. They both dawn golden halos, symbolizing the growing awareness of their union with one another. They are depicted nurturing a tree together, symbolizing the seed of hope, as one day this tree will bear fruit.

III. Individuation

The top circle represents “individuation”. This is the stage where I have gleaned enough wisdom and insight from the previous one, to start serving others from a genuinely empowered place. This is where I have been schooled by my pain and shadow enough, to have knowledge to apply towards service. This is the stage where my pain has been transmuted into wisdom. My weakness into strength. My confusion into clarity. My fear into courage. And my grievances into love. 

I am no longer a victim of my pain. I am now empowered by it. 

Rather than two separate beings, we see one whole, unified self. This self is golden, and dawns the same halo of the “Higher Self” from the first circle. This is symbolic of the embodiment of the Higher Self. 

Rather than being unconsciously guided by a Higher organizing wisdom, we become fully conscious of this Higher wisdom, and we operate our lives from it. 

The outstretched arms symbolize empowerment, and the branches symbolize the being’s connection to all of Creation. The budding green leaves symbolize new life and vitality – rebirth. This being now “embodies” the tree that was nurtured in the previous cycle. 

The Sun shinning in the background of all three circles represents the light of perfect love, of Paradise, of Home, that is present through every stage of growth. 

No matter what we go through, we never leave God. It is only in our own perceptions that we think we have left. 

Even in our faults, our missteps, our cycles of running away from ourselves – it is all part of a Higher Order. A Higher Perfection. 

This is because we live in a realm of Alchemy. And it is the alchemical process itself that is perfect, not the finality of it. 

May we learn to see ourselves through the lens of this Higher Order, that we may hold every step of our journey in reverence, honor, and love. 

And may be transition from one cycle into the next with honor, respect, acknowledgement, and love.

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The Artist and The Addict

The Artist + The Addict

The other night I had a dream.

In this dream, I saw two parts of myself. They were represented as two different people, though they looked completely identical. In fact they looked like identical twins – brothers. And of course, they both looked exactly like me.

One of them was an addict.

The other – an artist.

In the dream, they had been at odds with each other for a very long time. It was similar to two brothers having a major blow out, and then not speaking for years. There was a definite schism between these “brothers”. Even though they looked like the exact same person, they both seemed to be focused on each other’s differences, and had a very difficult time accepting each other.

As I witnessed them, it appeared that something had re-surfaced between them, and they had arranged a meeting to try to reconcile their differences. They both sat on opposite ends of a long table, as if in some kind of formal meeting room. I found the formality bizarre, given that they felt like siblings.

As they sat across from each other, I could feel years of tension and pent up rage between them. They both just stared at one another directly in the eyes. They sat in silence for some time, as they steeped quietly in the gripping tension of betrayal. The feelings of shame and heartbreak were unspeakable. They just sat there staring at each other, dripping with rejection.

Eventually, something shifted in the tension between them, and I felt a softening. My attention was drawn to the eyes of the artist, and I saw him begin to well up with tears. I could feel that the tension was too heavy for him. The burden of this grudge was too much to carry. I felt him collapse inside. It was as if the knees of his heart had buckled, and a wall came crashing down. The artist was too sensitive. He could feel too much. The tenderness of his heart could no longer hold the weight of this long standing grudge.

The addict, on the other hand, was cold. He was numb. He was frozen in his feelings of rejection towards the artist. He seemed immovable from his position of deep contempt.

As I watched the energy between them, the silent tension finally broke, and the artist began to speak.

With tears in his eyes, and a tenderness in his heart, he said to the addict: “I need you to redeem me.”

As I heard this, I was completely taken aback. I was shocked. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around?” I thought to myself. “Like, shouldn’t the artist be the one to redeem the addict? Why is the artist the one asking for redemption?”

The artist continued to speak:

“I need you for my redemption. I cannot hold the burden of this rejection between us any longer.

I cannot be who I am, without you.

I love you and accept you completely.

You can hold onto your guilt.

You can hold onto your shame.

You can hold onto your betrayal.

You can hold onto your hatred of me as long as you wish.

But I will love you, forever.

And whenever you are ready to reconcile our differences, please know that I am here. And that I will welcome you home.

I am seeking redemption, and I cannot be redeemed without you.”

The addict was totally taken off guard by the artist’s words. They had been at odds with each other for such a long time, the addict had just assumed that things between them would never change. He thought that the schism between them would last forever, and he had gotten somewhat comfortable in his own personal hell. He had built an identity around feeling rejected by the artist.

Now, his whole sense of self was called into question. A door to liberation had been opened for the addict. But the shock of it caught him off guard, and he was frozen in his response.

His eyes were wide open. They looked hollow, almost like two glass marbles. I could feel his tension growing. He was even more tense than he was before, and I could feel him on the precipice of breaking. And eventually something shattered within him, and he broke down and screamed in a juxtaposition between annihilation and liberation.

As his energy was freed, I could feel it merging with the artist.

As the schism between them was mended, I watched as the two polarizing energies began to fuse into one. Now, there were no longer two separate people sitting across from each other at a table.

There was one whole person.

And I was no longer a passive bystander watching this all unfold, for this person came up and looked me directly in the eyes.

And I saw my own face.

I looked deep into my wide blue eyes, as if I was standing on a beach and staring into the vastness of an ocean. And I could see every part of myself.

I saw my passion.

I saw my pain.

I saw the past experiences that had shut me down.

I saw the past experiences that had caused me to bleed. I saw the love that had blossomed with lovers and friends.

I saw the love that was lost, and the grief that had gone unexpressed. I saw those painful moments that had caused me to reject myself.

And then I saw my own love, which offered redemption.

As I stared into my own face, I felt an unconditional acceptance radiating from and for me. It was as if I was staring into the eyes of an angel from the realms beyond, because the love was so deep and unconditional – it was unrecognizable from anything that I had previously known.

And we just stared at each other, without a word being spoken. But, echoing in the corridors of silence that rested between our gaze, I could hear:

“I love you.

I love you.

I love you, forever.”

And then the dream was over.

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Facing the Unknown -Prayer and Contemplations

Externally, I look out upon the vast expanse of desert.

Snow covers the oceans of sagebrush, and grey clouds gently cradle the mountains rolling in the distance. The ambience of the land embodies the spirit of my contemplations, making me feel as if I am nested in the landscape of my own psyche.

And internally – I look towards God, as I face the unknown.

“What is becoming of me?”

I ask myself this often lately. I can feel myself becoming something unrecognizable from the person I once was. And I often go through bouts of having no idea what to do with myself. Or I find myself having moments where I am uncertain of how to respond to new trials and tribulations as they arise. At times, it can feel a little over my head, as I realize that I have reached my capacity of what I am actually capable of taking action on.

But I am grateful for these moments. I am grateful for them, because there is an intelligence that operates behind them. And this intelligence is guiding me, in its own mysterious way:

To give everything back to God.

I spend most of my time alone. With my art. With my writing. And in prayer.

In fact, my aloneness is saturated in prayer. And from the depths of prayer, my inner world is illumined with the warmth of a radiant and profound love. And I feel full. I feel whole. And in that moment of prayer – even if it is literally just for a moment – every hunger and thirst is satisfied, and I feel myself coming home to something that my mind will never understand.

And this is the great gift of uncertainty.

It calls me back to the source of my strength, my wisdom, and my knowing. It calls me to return, with greater humility and conviction.

“God, I give everything back to you. Take every part of me, and everything that I am going through – I return it all back you. Take it, and transmute it into medicine for the healing of others.

In the face of my hardships and confusions, I will hold steadfast in my intention to praise you, to love you, and to be an instrument in your arms.

Nothing will ever take you away from me, nor me from you, because I am joined with you forever.

With this intention, God, guide my way. I am listening.”

And no matter what I may be facing, upon steeping in such a prayer, I feel a passion burning within my heart. And from the silence, I hear the echo of angels singing songs of triumphant praise, even as I stand in the face of the most extreme adversity.

My confusion, my lack of understanding – it shows me my limitation. And this shows me where I am being called to give myself over to that which created me.

I rest in the hands of something that knows much more than I ever will.

And I bow before it, and keep the lines of communication open between us.

And it shows me.

It always provides a way.

Always.

But I must listen and be humble, in order to hear what is being called of me.

And from this listening, higher perspectives reveal themselves, and I am shown things through a fresh pair of eyes. My vision and my understanding are cleansed and renewed – they are baptized. But only through my humility, and my openness towards that which knows much more than I do.

So, I find myself returning, time and time again, to this central intention:

To give everything back to God.

And from this intention, there is a direct response. There is a very deep and real level of communication. And I am guided.

And as I allow myself to be guided, I am transfixed. I am transformed. And I am become something new. I become unrecognizable from the person that I once was.

So God, I give thanks for every single adversity that I have ever faced – because it only served to bring me closer to you. And through this process, through this alchemy, I am transfigured.

I am made anew.

So, thank you for my hardships.

Thank you for my pain.

Thank you for my confusion.

Thank you for my doubt.

Thank you for my challenges.

Because it all serves one primary function:

To return me back to you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, God.

Forever.