Blog

There are phases in our growth where we go through a sort of in-between stage, where we are in transition and feel as if we are in a lull. We are forward focused, our hearts set and vision fixed on the next steps, yet we need breathing room to integrate our past lessons, and to prepare for what is about to come. This can often be a confusing period, where we can feel stagnant, lost, and stuck, not quite knowing where to land our next steps. When we are in this phase, our willpower works against us. We try to use it to push our way out of feeling trapped in purgatory, yet higher forces close all roads forward until inner maturity has been given the proper time to ripen…

For me, I went through a year of feeling completely and utterly lost around the ages of 25 and 26. I wanted so badly to move forward in a career, to be an entrepreneur, but despite my best efforts, nothing was activating. I had just left a job in Philo, CA as a garden teacher at an education camp for at-risk youth. I went to Mount Shasta, CA and camped in the forest for several weeks to gain a sense of clarity on where to go next. From here, I decided to go to the Bay Area to try to “make it” as an artist and a speaker. Long story short, I lasted a month in the Bay and my time there ended in total disaster, where I lost virtually all of my money. Seeking familiarity and safety, I decided to go back to Mount Shasta. I ended up renting a room in Weed, a small country town about 15 minutes away from the mountain.

I worked at different schools and at a local cafe to get by, and really found myself having an extraordinarily difficult time paying rent every month. I prayed and prayed for a sense of direction, and certain insights would come through, but it often felt vague, and due to the innebulous nature of the insights, it was difficult to put them into action. So this period became a sort of drawn out lull.

One of the most pivotal experiences that occurred in this period came in a rather mysterious walk that I had taken one afternoon before working at a school. I took a walk on a trail not far from where I lived that weaved through the forest behind my neighborhood. It was autumn, and the air was cool and still. The evergreens towered above me like giant statues rising from the Earth, with their gnarled trunks and twisted branches sprouting bright green brussels. The ground was of an amber-light brown dust with grey and bumpy gravel. The sky was blue, clear and open.

As I walked down this path, one particular tree grabbed my attention. It actually caught me off guard, as this tree seemed to leap out at my awareness. The tree was completely lit up in my mind’s eye, and it almost felt as if it was sending me some sort of signal, communicating to me on some wavelength that my conscious mind had previously been unfamiliar with.

I walked over to the tree, and I stood there with it, a little unsure of what exactly was happening. It felt as if this seemingly silent and slumbering creature was actually speaking with me. There was an undeniable form of communication that was evident between us, though my rational mind was at an utter loss for comprehension. Upon soaking in this bizarre sensation, I decided to try talking back. I talked back in the best way that I knew how; through my voice, with words being the vehicle for organized thought. As energies where exchanged, I felt a deep love, an ancient kinship with the tree. I spoke words of appreciation and love to this being, this being that seemed to have reached out to me. There was almost a strange sense of familiarity. As I was in this cocoon of heartfelt communication with this new friend, I felt my reality begin to shift. I felt my mind and my perception becoming entrained to a different vantage point. Something in my awareness was being altered. It was almost like someone had turned up the dial on my scope of reality, and suddenly things seemed to be vibrating at a much faster rate.

Everything that I rested my eyes upon brought out certain qualities from within my inner vision. These qualities were energetic, yet they had a depth of presence – an ancientness, a wisdom, and a deep holiness and beauty. It was as if my mind had been attuned to a higher perspective, and there was this pulsating quality of love that was hyper present. This interspecies communication had activated something deep within me.

I was now resting in a state of awe as I breathed into this new, yet seemingly primordial perspective. I soon realized that I had to make it to work on time, so I decided to head back and get ready to go to the school. As I walked back into the neighborhood, I felt a very noticeable sense of peace, and the people that I passed by looked more beautiful and alive than I had ever seen them. They were radiant, and this greater aliveness I was witnessing made them look slightly animated and cartoonish.

As I walked into the school, I was taken aback by the purity and innocence of the children. They were all around the ages of 5 or 6, and I was seeing them through a greater clarity than I ever had before. I remember the style of their clothing striking me as being very bizarre, wearing goofy shirts and backpacks with logos, brands, and pictures of characters from movies and t.v. shows like Spiderman and Wonder Woman. The children looked like angels that had been sculpted from the pure, raw elements of the Earth and Sun, and there was a depth, an ancient holiness that they all possessed. The cheesy trends of the culture that were reflected in their attire didn’t match the depth of holiness that they emanated. I remember thinking that these children should be dressed in white and golden robes, akin to some beautiful and advanced civilization, to reflect more of their true identity. Maybe it would help them remember.

As I walked through the class assisting the children with their homework, one little boy with pure blue eyes looked up at me and studied me for a moment. In fact, he didn’t just look at me. He looked through me. As he observed me, looking somewhat intrigued and bewildered, he eventually exclaimed:

“You are an angel.”

He continued to stare at me for a moment, as if he had uncovered some hidden secret. He eventually went back to doing his homework, but throughout the class, he would periodically glance at me with this peculiar sense of curiosity and recognition. Children have an extremely heightened intuitive sense, so I know that his sensitivity had picked up on this wavelength that I was operating on.

As my journey progresses, I notice that I periodically go into spells of this heightened perception, where it feels as if the Kingdom of Heaven has laid itself over my vision. It becomes exposed, obvious, and present. This perception always feels more real, more genuine, and more natural than anything else that I perceive. And I know that this is not just an isolated incident that I am experiencing, for it is a collective evolutionary experience many are having. Our minds are entraining to higher forms of vision, and the conditioned perceptions of the past are losing their grip. We are entering into a new world, as we fine-tune and adjust the way we look at it. We are allowing our vision to adjust to the sight of a new perception, where holiness is not some obscure spiritual concept but is seen and felt in real-time, as the dominate quality that permeates everything. And this quality is seen and felt as an energetic signature, acknowledged through an inner recognition.

And so this “lull” period for me seemed to be a phase of readjusting my sight. Of reorienting my “vision”. Here I was, trying to leap ahead, to move forward, in a premature and superficial kind of way, when the real momentum was contained within my innermost perceptions. I was (unknowingly) allowing myself time and space to readjust, to refocus my mind, and to see things more as they really are.

So often we think we are trying to do one thing, while the soul is doing its own work upon us, in its own time, according to it’s own intelligence and wisdom.

One of the biggest struggles of my life has been self-acceptance.

As a child, I grew up feeling completely unworthy of acceptance, and in this, I was conditioned to base all of my decisions off of getting approval from others. All of my precious life-force energy went to everyone but myself, and I became what felt like a slave to those whom I considered to be my closest connections. This led me into many emotionally abusive dynamics. I felt this unbearable fear of sticking up for myself, communicating my own needs and desires, and for just being “natural”. I would constantly be scanning and reading other people, so that I could mold myself in accord to their energy, and what they needed in order to be comforted and soothed. A lot of people enjoyed my company for this, and I became the confidant for many, as I naturally had a very soothing and receptive presence. Yet despite how close and intimate people felt in my presence, I still felt completely isolated and alone. I felt completely locked away inside myself, and I didn’t understand how I could feel so alone, when so many people felt so close to me. Even in my closest connections, I felt totally unseen. And none of this was the fault of anyone with whom I was connected, for it was my own fear to actually reveal who I was. If people knew who I was, then they would see that I wasn’t the person that was specifically molded to sooth them. I was someone else. And I feared that if they saw my truth, that I would be rejected, and be further isolated. I spent years in these painful dynamics, not able to clearly recognize what I was doing, and why I continually struggled with a deep sense of isolation and feelings of depression. This led me into many self destructive habits, as a way of coping with my feelings of suppression and loneliness.

And this is just how I thought love and connection worked. You sacrifice yourself for the sake of making others happy. That was my definition of love, as I understood it. So, if I was being so “loving” to people, then why was I in so much emotional pain? Why was I developing addictive behaviors? Why was I being manipulated and emotionally abused by others? Why was I always in poverty? And why had I been contemplating suicide? Is this just how “love” works? Something wasn’t right…

This was all due to my own self-rejection. I had mistaken self-rejection for love, for humility. And at the heart of this was a shame-based identity. I believed that at the core of who I was, there was something terribly wrong with me, that if I was to be exposed for who I actually was, that I would be uncovered as a deeply flawed and evil being. The methods that I had developed of coping with my emotional turmoil (my addictions and my self-destructive behavior) were proof of my deeply flawed identity. These habits kept validating the belief that there really was something wrong with me. And because I was wearing a mask, no one knew how much pain I was actually in. Everyone just thought I was “chill”. And no, I was not “chill”. I was struggling with deep inner turmoil, but you’d never know it.

About 2 years ago, I hit a low point. I was living in a tent in the forest by myself in Mount Shasta, California. I went there to go on a physical and emotional cleanse, to have a “spiritual experience”. But I did not experience what I was intending to, for I ended up sinking into a very deep level of depression, and went through episodes of trying to fast and then I would binge eat to the point of getting sick. On top of this, I was processing a pretty big break up with a partner for me at the time as well, and was feeling more alone than I ever had.

Then I just gave up. The only thing I knew to do was to pray. I had tried so hard my whole life: tried so hard to be “good”, to be “spiritual”, to be accepted, to be loved, and I was completely exhausted. No matter how hard I was trying, it wasn’t putting an end to my emotional pain. At this point, I had completely given up on the healing process all together, as I was so fed up with “trying”. So the prayer came to me:

“God, may this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others.”

I didn’t know what else to do, other than to say this prayer. In the midst of my depression, in the midst of my binge eating, in the midst of my isolation, in the midst of my despair I would repeat: “God, may this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others. I don’t know what to do with this, but may it one day be utilized as a source of healing, compassion, and empowerment for other beings.”

Then my life began to shift. It was right after I began saying this prayer, that my path of service began to unfold, and I started delivering my very first public speakings. And what were my first talks about? – The archetype of the wounded healer, and recognizing the connection between our deepest wounds and our greatest gifts. I was speaking right from the heart of where I was at the time. And of course, to move from such a deep level of shame and isolation into the public arena to speak in front of groups was absolutely terrifying, and I had several embarrassing and vulnerable moments delivering my first talks. On one speaking engagement, a man actually came out of the audience to give me a hug in the middle of a talk because I was so nervous to be speaking in front of a group. Despite facing my deepest fears and insecurities, God had given me direction, and I had to follow through. And thus my purpose had become the purifier of my pain.

Now, I’ve had over a year of public speaking under my belt, and I’ve had the blessing of being a regular speaker and presenter at the Mendocino Center for Spiritual Living. What a blessing it has been to hone my craft, my message, the expression of my deepest love. I am beyond grateful for the opportunities that God has given me to share myself with others. The sharing of who I am has been the most healing force that has ever come into my life. In fact, it has literally saved my life.

And this story is far from over. This is still just the very begining for me, and I am still very much in a deep healing process. I am realizing more and more on an emotional level that I am not flawed at the core of my being, that there is actually something deeply profound and beautiful where I once thought there to be a mistake. I am learning that I can have connections that are REAL, not dependent upon my capacity to just sooth someone else.

So I extend a deep heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me, loved me for who I am, and who has inspired me. I offer a thank you to everyone who has ever offered me a moment of connection and acceptance. And I offer a thank you to all of you that have loved me and accepted me in the face of my downfalls and struggles. Thank you from the depths of my heart, I love you. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

I share just a piece of my story, knowing that it reflects something within you also – your own process of self acceptance, of blossoming, of overcoming your struggles, of understanding what it means to truly love yourself, and thus another.

You are never alone in your your pain. Every struggle you face will be transmuted into medicine for others, for your deepest wounds are connected to your greatest gifts. May you always have compassion for yourself, that you may also have compassion for others. You are loved beyond comprehension.

So, I leave you with the prayer that changed my life:

“May this pain be transmuted into medicine for the healing of others.”

God bless <3

I remember the phase in my life when I first went through my initial “awakening.” I had decided to leave behind my old life in the realm of academia as a budding classical musician, and entered the world of the mystic, attempting to completely whitewash my old identity. I traded in the stiff and stuffy classrooms and recital halls for lush forests, blossoming gardens, and for the wild and mysterious expressions of the Earth. I moved from the town where I went to high school and college (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina) and moved onto an artsy hippy farm in the cascading Appalachian mountains of North Carolina, just outside of Asheville.

On this farm, there was a community of young artists and travelers that was always in flux. There was one young man who had inherited the property from his family, and he opened up the land to traveling artists, musicians, and mystics – to those in the phase of the wanderer. The farm was a nexus point for old souls, and for those living on the fringe of our society. Many of them where folky, funky, and mystical and just plane far out. Some of them dressed as if they had just time traveled here from the Biblical era, dawned in loose flowy attire with white, brown and maroon Earth tones, while others dressed themselves in bright flamboyant colors, like pop stars from 70’s, and others would wear overalls and plaid shirts like your stereotypical farmer. There was a whole congregant of characters that seemed to be from different dimensions and timelines, all gathered here searching, seeking for something.

The land was lush and alive. There were rolling hills with gardens that where bursting with life surrounded by moist deciduous forest. The soil was teeming with vitality and the minerals gave it a gold tint that made it sparkle in the sun. In the Spring, everything exploded with greenery and the womb of the Earth gave birth and overflowed. Summer was hot and vibrant, and the land seemed to buzz and hum as insects and birds fluttered around, sustaining the rhythms of nature. In Autumn, the forests became painted with reds, golds, oranges, yellows, and greens, and as these erupting colors would kiss the open sky, the breeze would carry the coolness of transition. And the winters were stark, brutal, cold, snowy and isolated. Warmth was a commodity that wasn’t always easy to come by.

And here I was, in the midst of this place. Searching for myself, looking for an alternative to the plastic suburban sitcom life that I had grown up in. I deeply began to question who I was, what I was doing with my life. Little did I know that this was just the beginning. I was at the infantile stage of birthing a completely new self. This was the begining, as well as the end of me. I was starting to undo my conditioning, and I was holding space for something new to reveal itself. I was in a place of deep discovery. I still clung to aspects of my old identity out of familiarity and safety, while at the same time, this new essence was emerging. It didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know if I could trust it. I was getting glimpses of a future me, of a future earth, yet it was still such uncharted territory. And there was still several layers of doubt, hesitation, guilt, and pain for me to move through, so I took it day by day. Listening, examining, exploring, and being. Patience began to be integrated as a virtue.

 

It was here that I began to actually observe myself. As I observed myself, I noticed an overwhelming amount of guilt that I had, for simply existing. I was uncovering this deep part of myself that felt flawed on a core level. I began to become very aware of how much I had rejected myself over the course of my life, and I began to have these vague, yet direct realizations that a huge part of my journey would be revolved around healing this core guilt. This inner agitation was calling me to adapt and to grow in a particular direction, one that was pulling me to understand the nature of emotions while learning how to resolve this core guilt and shame.

Thus a message had bubbled up deep from within the recesses of my soul, relaying the primary intention of what I came here to learn:

How to accept myself.

How to accept myself, that I may full heartedly accept others.

This propelled me onto the path of uncovering my innate gifts, to see what treasures where teeming within my own watery oceanic depths. It also lead me onto a path of apprenticeship, where I began to study and observe that which caused me to suffer, that I may learn what it has to teach me, and what its function is in my life.

Several years have passed since my second birth in the Appalachian Mountains, and this soul continues to blossom and expand. The premise of my life was given to me in those mountains. My mission, you could say. Like a commandment from God, revealing itself through the sloppily scribbled and crinkled pages of my first journal, I was told what to do with my life:

Accept myself, and heal the guilt that has binded me to an illusion of who I thought I was.

And thus, the journey continues…

 

The other day, I visited a spot here in Mendocino that I go to often. It’s a secluded path along the ocean, where there is a vast expanse of open meadows with gentle rolling hills, spotted with patches of yellow, purple, and white wild flowers softly blended against the swaying golden-green grasses. The meadows flow gracefully into the Pacific Ocean, where rocky cliffs, tide pools, and the distant yelping of seals join the two worlds. It reminds me of something out of a fairytale. I listened to the waves and watch cloud kingdoms of grey and white move across the sky. The air was cool and misty, and the golden sun casts its rays upon the water, making the ocean dance in a dazzling display of light.

I found myself reflecting on this sort of awkward, “in-between” phase of life that I am in. It feels a little bit like being in limbo. I’ve spent the past few years in a bit of survival mode, feeling like I had to push against a lot of things. Pushing myself to get “out there” as an artist, pushing against a lifetime of insecurities to get in front of audiences to speak, and pushing myself into adulthood, into trying to make money and support myself. Not to mention bouncing around trying to find a “home,” from living isolated in the forest to houses full of partying college kids in loud bustling cities, trying to uncover who I am, where I belong, and what I actually have to offer the world. I’ve met some beautiful people along the way, but for the most part, it’s been a pretty solitary journey.

But now, I find myself at another turning point. I find myself safe, grounded, and stable for the first time in years. I’m recovering from the desperacy of survival, and actually starting to trust where I am. I feel almost like a feral animal being brought into a safe domestic home for the first time, still a bit skittish out of necessity to survive, but slowly learning to trust the generous hands that feed it.

I am thankful for the openness in my life now. Moving around helped to break me open, to shed layers, to reinvent myself, but then it began to feel like a distraction from the real work that needed to be done. Rather than scurrying around bouncing from place to place, there’s space to go inward. Space to heal. To feel. To trust.

Things are much slower now. And the “slowness” has been an interesting thing to work with. It’s very nourishing, but then at times I wonder if it’s too much, if I am being deceived by it in some way. Sometimes I wonder if I should be making bold leaps and strides into the career realm, into making more money, into this or that. But as these thoughts come over me, a strong yet very gentle voice begins whispering in my ear, speaking to me of patience and acceptance. It tells me to honor where I am, the phase that I am in, and to absorb as much as I can from the moments that are put before me. It tells me to honor the process, and that I am in the midst of greater rhythms and cycles than my mind can even comprehend. It tells me that there’s still a very long road ahead of me, and that I don’t need to “skip steps” to make it where I would like to go.

This stern and gentle voice has been with me for a long time. My path being as solitary as it has, it’s been my best friend, and my greatest companion. It’s been there when no-one else has, and it’s always offered me unconditional acceptance and support. It’s nurtured me in my darkest hours, and it’s given me courage when I was sure that I had none. It was with me when I was homeless and heartbroken sleeping on the streets, when I mustered up the courage to give my first talks, and even as a young child I remember it speaking to me, leading me into my early interests with animals and the natural world. I remember it also surrounding my early curiosities around God. It has only ever spoken to me in a loving context. I’m amazed that I still continue to question it at times…

One of the greatest things that I can think of to do with my life, would be to honor this voice, by extending its love and its wisdom… To give it complete freedom of expression.

If I could move through enough fear, enough doubt, and move through enough self-judgment in order to allow this voice to speak openly with conviction, to extend to others the wellspring of love, compassion, and support that this mysterious voice has extended to me, then that would be my greatest gift.